Do you ever sit in a room and just think why? Why is this happening to me? Why am I in the position I am in? What did I do to have this happen to me?

During this time of years a lot of times, we reflect on the past and I am doing just that. I am suddenly back to where I was this time last year. Worrying about money, stressing about the holidays. Trying to come over this huge issue of not working and having to remind myself that I am not the only one. I don't think that I will ever truly lose this feeling and I know that am more stressed because I am working on paying for some major events.

My younger sister is getting married and I am okay with that because my partner and I have been together so long that I know one day it will be me too. However, we don't have a lot of money and had to lose money for a week-long wedding event in last month only to have to pay a lot of money next month for their second wedding in the early part of next year. We are paying for the wedding next year the same we pay for a month's worth of rent. That is hard to justify in our minds and well we are trying to say it's okay I don't think it ever really be okay. We are losing so much money hand over fist on this and it is hard for us to pretend that it is wonderful for us to spend our rent money on this event.

Maybe we are being selfish and that is wrong but I don't feel like it is. I don't feel like I am being selfish because I really don't have or want to spend my rent money on this and had it not been family I wouldn't do it. This is something that my sister and her husband don't seem to get. People don't have a lot of money and are not ready to not only pay that but open themselves to COVID-19.

I am not in a great place because I am waiting for something to go wrong and for us to have to work twice as hard to get through the next year(s) when others like my sisters will just breeze through like it is nothing. Like we should all live like them and why are we struggling so much when they are not. It is hard to explain how hard it is to live when we don't have really two incomes like everyone else. My partner, as much as I love him, doesn't make much money. He has struggled to find his path and I have pushed him to pick a path but he ends up giving up on himself before he completes anything. I know I will be the breadwinner of our relationship and I am okay with this. I also know that he will find his path when it is time. I just wish it would happen sooner so that we can be more equal in our income and maybe be able to really start our life together.

This is a lot more personal than I thought it was going to be but whatever. I feel like by saying this I am moving forward to the world. I think that I am not the only one that has these feelings if not exactly at this time or in this way. I know that everyone has their own fears and wishes for more from someone in their lives and it is hard to act like it is okay when you feel like it isn't.