Hello darkness my old friend


Hello, Nice to meet you.


This is strange. I am retrying my hand at blogging. Some of you may have read my former blog, A Girl With A Blog. I am not over that one and I am looking to restart it and see how it goes but I wanted something fresh and free of all the other stuff that took over my first try.


I tried to get big too fast and I lost my story that I set out to tell.


This is my story in my words about what I am going through and how I am dealing with life.

Let's start at the beginning of the year. Please note, I never share personal names or locations because while I want to share with you my life, I also want to not have crazy people coming up to me. It's happened.

Now when I say the beginning, I mean of 2018, don't worry, I will spare you from anything to old as it doesn't matter.


So 2018 up to now and go.

  1. Moved in with my boyfriend of 2 years in January

  2. February we found out he got into the police academy

  3. I got a new job in May

  4. Boyfriend started the Academy in June

  5. My boyfriend had a major anxiety attack to the point that I stayed home thinking I was going to have to take him to the hospital in August.

  6. Boyfriend drops out of the police academy (Not an easy decision but one that had to happen) in August

  7. Boyfriend gets a new job that is boring

  8. The boyfriend starts to get help for his anxiety and is diagnosed with Adult ADHA and Depression as well

  9. I am strong-armed into resigning from my new job in September

  10. October get offered a new job

  11. My boyfriend and I adopt a dog (who I will mention more soon)

  12. My BFF gets married in October

  13. I start my new job in October

  14. Started to go back to school in November

And that gets us to now. Wow, writing it all out makes us see how much of a year I have had. I can't believe how much I have been through this year and these is just the highlights.

So I am going to start by focusing on the last few months really. That is what is on my mind and I need to be known.


So at the beginning of August, my boyfriend was still in the academy. He was having more bad days than good but was still trying to make it work. One morning, I wake up and hear him being sick. I ask if he is okay he says yeah and we get dressed. I then hear him having trouble catching his breath. I jump to action and make him call his PO to tell them he is not going in today. He then tells his PO how he has been feeling and what is going on with him. It is agreed that my boyfriend takes the day off and so do I. We talk a lot about what he has been feeling and if he can continue in the academy. We go online and try and get him an appointment to see a therapist that he can talk to. Nothing for weeks.


We spend the next few days talk to our families about what has been going on and we all think he should try one more week.


On Sunday, some officers show up at our house and do a check on him. In speaking with them, we tell them the plan and they agree that Boyfriend needs to get some help. They help us get in touch with someone and we thank them. They also encourage him to really think about what is best for him right now. There is nothing that has happened so far that will disqualify him from trying again, however, if he falls out, he won't be able to try again.


Boyfriend and I talk more and he tells me he isn't sure what to do but he wants to go in on Monday and talk to the main person running the academy. In doing so, they all agree it is more important than he is healthy than anything else and they notify him that he is not a failure for needing to take a step back and get the help he needs to move forward. They are proud of him for realizing it and wish more people did that. They also asked him to reapply when he is more mentally fit because they would be proud to have him on the team.


The boyfriend then begins to get help for everything and starts looking for a job. He lands one in a few days which is great but it is not challenging and he has a lot of time to be in his own head which is not helping his depression.


Fast-forwarding a little, I started a job in May and by the end of the summer, it was beco